Guys, Look
by Cronomon
Summary: Idols do random things when they're bored. Surely you can't blame them if things get weird, right? Chapter seven: Host club idols.
1. Puppy

"You guys, look!" Haruka proudly held up a puppy. "I found him on the street today!"

Her audience, only a handful of the regular 765 Pro idols, displayed a rather large mix of reactions.

"Put it back where you found it," Ritsuko said sternly.

"Afu~" Miki yawned.

Iori looked the other way.

"IT'S SO CUTE!" Hibiki and Makoto squealed.

Hibiki immediately ran up to take the puppy from Haruka's hands. "Aw, what's a li'l guy like you doin' out on the streets all alone?" she cooed, rubbing her face roughly against its tiny head.

"I said, put it back," Ritsuko repeated.

"But Ritsuko-san, what if he doesn't have a home?" Haruka said.

"... you mean you didn't even check if it already had an owner?"

"Miki will be its owner," Miki volunteered.

"No, you won't," Makoto protested. "I will! I'll take good care of him, I promise!"

"Hmph," Iori flipped her hair back in a bossly manner. "You peasants aren't good enough to raise a dog of such high caliber as he. I, the great Minase Iori-chan, shall assume ownership."

Haruka frowned. "But I found him, shouldn't I get to keep him?"

"You guys don't even know the first thing about havin'a pet," Hibiki said. "I'm the obvious choice, aren't I?"

"Hibiki, you have like fifteen pets already," Makoto pointed out.

"Ten!" Hibiki shot back.

Ritsuko held up her hands. "You guys. I have a solution." She paused. "Just put the dog back where you found it."

"At the least, why doesn't Hibiki-chan separately interview each of you to determine who is the most capable of taking care of a dog?" Kotori, popping up out of nowhere as usual, suggested. "That makes it fair, doesn't it?"

"That means I don't get t'keep him," Hibiki said.

"Yup."

"Guys. You guys," Ritsuko tried again.

Hibiki folded her arms and closed her eyes, obviously thinking hard about what she could possibly benefit from this. Apparently coming up with a satisfactory conclusion, she agreed.

"Alright then. I'll hold the interviews, no problemo! Miki, meet me in the prez's office pronto!"

"What? Why the president's office?" Ritsuko said, but alas, the excited little brats were already too caught up in their interviews. Ritsuko gave up and went back to her desk.

* * *

"You know, Miki actually had two hamsters once," Miki said.

Hibiki blinked in surprise. "Eh, really? I didn't know ya liked animals, Miki!" She grinned, and on her head Hamuzou squeaked approvingly.

Miki nodded, green eyes suddenly looking spacey as she apparently experienced a flashback. "Yeah... but they died on the same day 'cause they froze to death."

Outside the room, Ritsuko started at the sudden screeching noise that had erupted out of the blue.

* * *

"I had a pet gerbil, but he died of constipation," Makoto said seriously.

* * *

"Miki used to have three birds but they froze to death on the same day."

"Why are you even back here?"

* * *

"My dog was the family pet," Iori mused. "I never liked him much, but everyone else was absolutely obsessed."

Hibiki leaned forward. "So your family likes animals?"

"Yeah," the princess-type confirmed. "But you see, then the thing ran into a car and died."

"I-it ran into a car?"

* * *

"Miki's friend had two hamsters once," Miki said. "Then-."

"They froze to death?" Hibiki interrupted.

Miki shook her head. "No, they ate each other's tails."

"... Miki, get out of here."

* * *

"So then on the last day of school, my friends and I all surrounded that mean girl and bullied her for eight hours!" Haruka said cheerfully.

Hibiki stared. "You bullied someone for eight hours straight?"

"Well... okay, fine, it was more like six hours," Haruka relented.

Hibiki looked horrified.

"It was like fifteen against one," Haruka added. "It was awesome."

"Haruka, you're supposed to be tellin' me why you wanna keep the dog..."

* * *

"You know, hamsters are actually kind of useless," Miki said thoughtfully. "Miki means... they don't last very long."

"Yeah, if you or your friend keep them!" Hibiki exploded.

* * *

In the end, Haruka brought the dog back to where she found it.

* * *

**I don't really know what I was trying to do here. I guess mainly it was to put off homework.**

**Thanks for reading :3**


	2. Rakugo

Mami flung the door to the office open. "So guys, this is pretty random but do you prefer dogs or cats?"

Immediately, Ritsuko glared. "Don't even ask that!"

"But this isn't a continuation of the last chapter or anything," Miki yawned. "Afu. As far as we can tell, last chapter didn't even happen. Nano."

Ignoring them, Mami trotted up to Takane, a huge smile on her face. "What do you think, Ohime-chin? Dogs or cats?"

"My, well, let's see," Takane said thoughtfully. "I think I like them both. However, perhaps I would vote for dogs because they bark?"

"Hey," Ritsuko suddenly appeared again, having abandoned her conversation(?) with Miki. "If we're going by the sound they make it definitely has to be cats, doesn't it? Besides, training a dog is such a bother."

Mami perked up. "You mean like skill training?"

"I mean like house training."

"Hm... Mami's dog doesn't know any tricks. Maybe next time Mami can bring him and we can all teach him some!"

Ritsuko looked at the floor.

* * *

The next day, Yukiho entered the office rather timidly. "I'm sorry to suddenly ask such a question," she said in a voice barely above a whisper, "but which do you like more? The sea or the mountains?"

Miki shrugged and yawned. "It doesn't really matter, right? Just do whatever you want, is Miki's rule."

"Are you asking," Takane said at the same time, "whether to go to the mountains or the sea in the wintertime, which one we would prefer?"

"Eh? Really?" Mami asked. "I was thinking about the summer."

Takane repeated, "The summer? But if it's the summer... wouldn't a body decay much quicker in those places?"

"Just what are you thinking?" Ritsuko snapped.

"Were we not talking about which would be a good place to die?"

"How did you even come to that from such a simple question?" Ritsuko exclaimed.

Mami raised her hand. "If it's dying we're talking about, Mami thinks it'd be much better to die in the mountains. Right? Because if you get to the top of the mountain and freeze, then you'd stay young forever and eventually get found by someone in the future!"

"Weren't we discussing which one would be a better place to _visit_?" Miki said.

"Well, if you go to the mountains you're more likely to hear someone call 'yahoo', aren't you?" Takane said.

"And if you go to the sea, you'll hear someone call 'dumbass'!" Mami added.

Yukiho flinched. "I... I don't think that if you went to the sea you would just shout out 'dumbass'..."

"Oh? Then what are you supposed to shout? Nano." Miki asked.

Takane looked away.

Mami bobbed her head from side to side. "'Dumbass', right?"

"I guess it does have to be 'dumbass'," Ritsuko concluded.

"Mami can't think of anything else..."

"Don't the shouts change depending on what part of the sea you're at?" Takane offered.

Miki glanced over. "You mean like the shouting technique?"

"What the hell's a shouting technique?" Ritsuko muttered.

* * *

The following day, Miki entered the office with a yawn. "Afu. So what kind of boring things are we talking about today?"

"... nothing, really," Yukiho answered.

Takane raised her hand elegantly. "I have just thought of something," she said. "What would you do if you had a lot of money?"

Miki thought for a moment. "Maybe donate it to-."

"Only boring people would say something like 'donate it to a cause'," Ritsuko said at the same time.

Miki faltered.

"Yeah, those're really the kind of people that when asked what kind of animal they'd like to be in the next life they'd answer 'human'," Mami agreed.

Miki went to go sit on the couch. "Well, Ritsuko...-san, what would you say, then?"

"I would pay off my debts, of course."

"That's just as bad, nano!"

"Three million yen," Takane said abruptly. "If I had three million yen, I would go search for my long lost mother."

Mami grinned a little uncomfortably. "Ah, is that so, Ohimechin?"

"Yes."

"If it were me," Yukiho said, "... I'd definitely hunt down that criminal."

"... what criminal?" Ritsuko asked.

"Yes, please do," Takane said while Mami nodded seriously.

Miki shook her head. "Debt, missing mothers, criminals... you all are being offered three million yen and that's all you want to do? Pathetic, nano. You should be more creative, nano!"

"Oh? So what would you do, then?" Ritsuko challenged.

"Fuck the police, nano!"

"What?"

Miki pointed at Mami. "So? What would you do?"

"Eh?" Mami waved her hands around, suddenly aware that all eyes were on her.

_Aw crap, they're all expecting something big..._

Staaaare...

"Mami would definitely build a giant house out of nothing but video games!"

Yukiho and Takane smiled.

"That's so like you, Mami-chan," Yukiho said eagerly.

"Yes, and certainly very cute," Takane approved.

Mami grinned. _Geez, that was close. They're always expecting me to say something weird. _

Pause.

_I'm sick of your expectations._

* * *

__**Not so much humor oriented as parody oriented. Inspired by a Joshiraku/Idolmaster crossover picture I saw on Tumblr.**


	3. Units

"So... this is my new unit?" Takane looked at the two girls before her, clearly unimpressed.

Yukiho bowed awkwardly.

"YOU GUYS YOU GUYS LET'S PLAY!" Mami cheered as she ran all over the walls.

"I see. I look forward to working with you both," Takane gave a deep bow in return.

"OMG! OMG YOU GUYS LET'S SING!" Mami shouted, standing upside-down from the ceiling.

"Ano... Shijou-san, I may be a little useless but... I hope all three of us can become successful together."

"Indeed..."

Mami pouted. "You guys are boring, where's Ami?"

* * *

"So, in short, I wish to become girlier," Makoto ended with flourish.

Azusa nodded. "Ara, I think that's a wonderful goal, Makoto-chan," she said.

"Ahaha, really?" Makoto rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

"Butyouknowmyboobsarehugeandy ouontheotherhandarealmostasf latasChihaya."

"... What?"

"What?"

Miki slid out smoothly from behind Azusa. "Miki's boobs are big, too."

"Miki... was that... did you just pretend to-."

"Miki thinks that rather than looking behind we should look forward, nano."

Makoto blinked. "I... I don't even... _what_?"

"Onigiri nano!"

* * *

Iori observed Chihaya for a very long time.

Chihaya stared back.

"Seventy-two," Iori suddenly declared.

Chihaya wilted.

Yayoi tilted her head curiously. "Chihaya-chan, are you okay?"

"It's just as I thought," Iori sniffed. "You understand, Chihaya, that there are thirteen-year-olds in this agency that are bigger than you?"

"But Iori-chan, Ami-chan and Mami-chan are taller than you, too," Yayoi said innocently.

"That's... not quite what I meant, Yayoi."

As the two walked away discussing just what Iori had really meant, Chihaya sat down cross-legged on the floor and muttered to herself, "I didn't want to be part of a loli unit anyway."

* * *

"If you touch Haruka I'll kill you!" Hibiki warned.

Ami immediately threw up her hands in surrender. "Whoa there, Hibikin! Ami isn't a pervert! Ami swears!"

"I know what you were doing to the cat when you first met Producer. You and Mami both!"

"Gh!" Ami suddenly doubled over, clutching her chest as though actually in pain. "Alright, you got Ami there, Hibikin. But Ami's changed for the better! Honest!"

"Frankly, I'm not really sure how much I can trust you anymore," Hibiki said dramatically.

Haruka held up a bag of cookies. "Hey, guys, I baked stuff for you~"

"Not right now, Haruka, we're fighting over who gets to marry you!"

"You're what?"

* * *

**Idol units that might have some trouble getting along at first. Haruka-Hibiki-Ami just kinda happened since I'd already used everyone else. Ritsuko was excluded for the sole purpose of having only groups of three. Inspired by an Idolmaster forum topic I found last night.**

**You guys, I think I actually need to go to sleep 'cause I have school tomorrow. But I don't want to.**


	4. Majestic

"When you think of a majestic animal," Makoto said, "you think of Siberian tigers, don't you?"

"Well... sure," Yukiho responded.

Makoto nodded. "So you see, I was thinking the other day, right... What if a Siberian tiger farted?"

"... Well, I think that all animals would have to eventually-."

"I mean, Siberian tigers are just the most majestic things, aren't they? So when they fart, it has to be majestic too."

"It does?"

"Don't you think? Like, white sparkles would float into the air and travel to cities far and wide and fall upon the eyes of sleeping children and bless them with the most magnificent dreams of their lives."

Yukiho opened her mouth, closed it, tilted her head to one side, and then opened her mouth again.

"I... Makoto-chan, are you alright?"

"Just fine, Yukiho. Why?"

"No reason. I guess."

* * *

**This not-even-200-words-long chapter is for you, Phoebe.**

**eventhoughyou'renotreadingthisficatall**


	5. Birthday

"Stuff Miki likes?" Miki tilted her head to one side, blinking in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

Iori's eyebrow twitched. "What do you mean 'what do you mean'?" she growled. "It's a straightforward question! What kind of stuff do you like?"

"Well, Miki likes onigiri, and Honey, and sleeping, and making fun of Deko-chan, and-."

"Not that kind of stuff! I mean, what can I get for you for your stupid birthday?" Iori ground out.

Miki paused, actually looking very much surprised. "... Miki's birthday?"

"Yes, your birthday," Iori groaned. She couldn't believe it'd taken this long for the blonde to get it. "It's tomorrow, isn't it? Just tell me what you like and I'll get it for you. It shouldn't be this hard," she muttered as an afterthought.

"Why do you need to get stuff for Miki's birthday?"

"Because that's what you do on someone's birthday! You get stuff for them!"

"Really? That's nice of you, Deko-chan," Miki grinned.

Iori felt her face heat up (for some stupid reason and it totally wasn't because Miki had said something like that or smiled at her that way or anything!) and then she snapped, "Yeah, whatever, everyone's doing it. So?"

"Miki likes onigiri, and Honey, and sleeping, and Deko-chan, nano."

"... That's not stuff I can get for your birthday, you idiot!"

* * *

In the end, Iori went to the convenience store and bought some onigiri.

At least Miki was happy while she ate them.

"Miki does kind of wish she could've had Deko-chan for her birthday, though..."

"Just what's that supposed to mean? Shut up! Just eat your stupid rice balls!"

* * *

**I really had to resist putting in more of a shipping moment... I wanted this to be purely platonic so every Miki fan could enjoy it! **

**November 23rd... Miki-Miki's birthday! Expect more random birthday chapters coming up. **


	6. Onigiri

"Miki!" Hibiki burst into the room.

"Hibiki!" Miki said cheerfully.

"Happy birthday, bro!"

Miki stared.

"... It is your birthday, right?"

"Well, yeah."

Hibiki fidgeted a little. "An'... yeah. So. I got you this." She handed Miki a plastic bag.

Miki looked into it. "Onigiri, nano!" she cheered, eagerly taking the cheap rice balls out. "Thanks, Hibiki!"

"It's your favorite flavor, too," Hibiki told her. "Specially made just for today!"

Miki bit into it and peered inside. Within the onigiri was a second onigiri.

"ONIGIRI FLAVOR!" Miki and Hibiki declared.

Chihaya stared at them in bewilderment.


	7. Host

_Dear mother up in heaven... This is the second month at my new school. Everyone here is rich and they never study. I am currently trying to find a room where I can do my homework in peace, but alas everywhere has people chatting in it._

Yukiho trudged dejectedly through the hallway. She didn't have any friends due to her incredible intellectual ability and her very plain looks. She was also very shy and wasn't good at talking to people. She was downright terrified of men. Whenever she became embarrassed she tried to bury herself in a hole. Yes, Yukiho was actually a very socially awkward girl. And that was why she was currently alone as she searched for a place to study.

Then she came across the music room. While Yukiho did have an interest in singing, she had never before visited such a room, and when she put her ear against the door she realized that it was deadly silent in there. Looked like a good a place as any.

She opened the door...

... and was blasted in the face by a stream of rose petals.

"Welcome to the Host Club!" a chorus of voices cheered.

Little did she know that this fated day was the beginning of the downhill spiral her life was about to take.

* * *

There were quite a few of them in the room. Girls, that was. Other girls. A black-haired boyish-looking one was seated on a chair, and surrounding her were a pair of twins, a girl holding a stuffed rabbit, an orange-haired girl, and another one with black hair and a hamster on her head.

"W-why are there so many lolis?" Yukiho whimpered to herself.

"Oh, is that the newbie who came here on scholarship?" the one on the chair leaned forward. "I heard that there was a commoner attending this school."

The twins perked up. "Yeah, that's her! We're in the same class!"

"What? You guys are like thirteen."

"Yeah, but we're in the same class."

The one with the rabbit sniffed and tossed back her fabulous brown hair. "A commoner, huh? I suppose even they can accomplish things if they really try... But what is she doing here, anyway?"

"Well, we are the Host Club," the orange-haired one piped up. "So shouldn't we be hosting?"

"I have ten pets!" the one with the hamster declared.

The boyish looking one stood up and held up her hands for silence. "Shut up, you guys." She then walked over to Yukiho, smiling kindly (or maybe seductively) as she leaned down to come face-to-face with the girl. "Hello. My name is Kikuchi Makoto. And so, beautiful maiden, who might you be?"

"H-H-H-Hagiwara Y-Yukiho."

"HeHeHeHagiwara YuYukiho?" the twins repeated.

Makoto glared at them. "I told you to shut up." She turned back to Yukiho. "Hagiwara Yukiho, huh? That's a pretty name. So tell me, what brings you to this humble little room?"

"I just wanted to... studyabit," she murmured.

"Studying? Truly a commoner's activity. Why don't we instead try to figure out what kind of girls you're into? There're the mischievous twins, Futami Ami and Futami Mami..."

They grinned and waved.

"The little princess type, Minase Iori..."

Iori ignored her.

"The cute one, Takatsuki Yayoi..."

"U-uu!" Yayoi made some sort of noise.

"And the idiot - I mean, wild one, Ganaha Hibiki."

"I totally heard that, you jerk!"

Makoto smirked. "Or, of course, you could prefer the prince type... such as me."

"I... I'm not a lesbian-."

"We are the Host Club," Makoto cut her off. "Be grateful that you were allowed to meet us on such good terms. Here, we drink expensive tea and eat expensive food and buy expensive things and maybe we serve some girls or guys but I'm really not sure about the situation concerning that but anyway, have you ever had fatty tuna?"

"No..."

"Well, we eat it all the time. It's awesome."

Yukiho nodded and began to back away slowly. Unfortunately, she crashed into a vase that definitely hadn't been there before and it toppled over and shattered upon impact with the floor. She made a noise akin to a dying whale.

"Whoa~ How much did that cost?" Mami bounced over to observe the shards.

Ami joined her. "A million gazillion lalalillion bazooka shoobity-boop-bap-illi-illi-illion yen!"

"Wh-what?" Yukiho stammered. "I don't have that much money!"

"In that case, you'll have to work for us," Iori said. "Commoners," she muttered under her breath.

"I have a cat, a dog, a hamster, a snake, a pig, a crocodile..." Hibiki began counting all her pets.

Makoto sat back down on her chair/throne and stylishly crossed one leg over the other. "Yes, Iori, that is an excellent idea." She pointed directly at the poor peasant girl. "Hagiwara Yukiho! From this day on you will be the Host Club's bit - dog."

"... Eh?"

The smiles on their faces suddenly seemed a whole lot more intimidating.

"EHHH?"

* * *

**Ouran High School Host Club... IDOL STYLE**

**The part where Ami names the price was very much stolen from the Ouran Abridged series on YouTube. **

**Maybe there will be a part two later on.**


End file.
